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Thursday, September 23, 2004 11:01 PM Sometimes I wonder am I someone who is hard to understand... I know in the past people hates me for being so pessimistic at times but I know I can't please everyone. I can't please everyone by trying to be happy. People hate me because they feel that I got nothing better to do but to blog about myself being oh-so-pathetic. I am not any attention grabber or sorts but WHO KNOWS WHAT SHIT I GONE THRU when they are not me? There are MANY THINGS that I kept it in myself instead of of writing it down in forms of thousand words. I have been thinking about my life and it had a huge change ever since. To the better, definately. Let me say it out, to those who STILL hates me because I still gives them that particular impression of being an attention grabber. I REALLY WENT THRU HELL IN THE PAST. But I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so ( and a million times more...) glad that it's over. And if you ask, why hell? I just have to say, no human are able to go thru what I have gone thru. I was mad during that period of time. Ha! I hate to rank it up but I hate my past. So let me once and for all pluck it out of my memory and throw it into this blog and soon, this page will became a history and out of my life. Everyone had a past. That includes me too. I have long forgone my bad memories and carry on with life. My boyfriend changed my life, completely. No one will understand how much happiness I am going through. It's simple but sweet. That's what I always wanted. A simple love life. It's not the promises that we exchanged but it's the every minute we spent together that completes our lives. Nothing beats more then it. As I grow older, I realise how loved I am from the one around me. Especially my boyfriend, family and friends. That's where my fear comes in. The fear of losing everything. Death. That's what I am talking about. What triggers my emotion most now is Hamu-chan. Her health deteriorates so much. Her fur is getting lesser and lesser and the tumor on her back grows bigger... I am afraid to lose her. I was so upset today. Luckily my baby was here to comfort me. Without him, I don't know whose shoulder I can cry on. Without him, I would have felt worse. Perhaps baby is right... When the time is here, she will be going to a place where she will be happier. I know she is in pain... I wish there is something I can do to make her feel better. I am afraid to look at her because it pains me so so so much... but I can't help to see her. Everyday when I go out, I will call out her name, make sure she respond... to ensure that she is okie... I am afraid that one day she might not respond... :( I don't wish that day will come. I don't exactly know how it feels to die. But I know how it feels to lose someone. I am afraid to grow old. I think I have noted that down on one of my old post. I don't want to lose the feeling of being loved. I don't want to lose the chance to be able to see the things that I wanted to see and the people I want to see for life. FOR LIFE. Why there isn't anything that could last forever... eternity. That may sound childish but WHY? I don't want to think so much. I really don't want. But I can't help it. I really tried. I swear... But I can't help it! Can anyone just hit my head and let me suffer a lose of memory for perhaps, a minute? Nah. Perhaps just forget about this whole dead thingy. I will feel better this way... ........................................ Chucking unhappy stuff aside, I scored a full mark for my Cmath test! And I got an A for my Java project. All thanks to my baby! Without him, I won't be having so much glory! Kudos to him! So till date, I did pretty well for all my modules. My exams are coming up and I have 3 papers to mug. Wish me luck and I wanna start a new fresh sem instead of hanging on to old modules. Spent quality time with mua baby for the whole day at my place. We nua-ed & nua-ed & nua-ed... Hee. To be exact, only me nua-ed. I was so sleepy throughout the whole day and I fell asleep in all kinds of weird positions. Hee. But nothing is more comfortable then falling asleep in baby's arms. Hopefully I didn't disturb him from his studies when I snore in his arms. -_-" We had great dinner and we ended the day with great hugs and kisses. I love you so much sweetheart! Thanks for everything! You're the sweetest! *cross my heart*
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